I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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