Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
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All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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