You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
