I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
