Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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