I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
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