I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
