So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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