Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
