I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
