I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
