Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
