Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
