All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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