You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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