If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
