Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
