I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
