Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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