You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just gargled with NyQuil
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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