i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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