So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
