he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
