Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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