I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
