i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
