Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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