Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
