well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
