Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
