it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
