no, he came in my armpit
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
