so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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