how hairy? two words: wookie tits
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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