I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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