i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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