i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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