Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
