last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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