last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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