I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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