Small penises have feelings too.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
is it fun? or sober?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
