and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.