Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
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Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
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I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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