Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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