i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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