so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
