I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
