i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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