Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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