end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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