who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
