What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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