I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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