one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
