are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
