Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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