we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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