i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
