This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Liz is crying about burritos again.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
